First, I would like to thank my wife and life partner, Sara, for all her unconditional support throughout these years. Thanks to her, I can be who I am right now.
In order to explain what drove me to make the most important change in my life, and what triggered the beginning of my adventure into discovering who I really am, we need to understand who I was before taking the biggest step in my life.
I never had a difficult childhood. From a materialistic point of view, as a child, I always had what I wanted. I believe I had a life that many other children would dream of. However, from an emotional point of view, I was always quite insecure, and had great trouble in understanding the outer world.
Regarding my teenage years, again, I did not lack anything from a material point if view. However, from an internal point of view, I always had the feeling that I did not belong to my surroundings. With the objective to fit in my outer world, and therefore be accepted by my peers, my insecurities led me to look for the approval of all those people who where part of such environment. To be able to fit in society, I always looked to please everybody around me. Fearing to be different, I always tried to hide amongst the masses; this way I could go unnoticed by anybody. All I looked for is to be accepted by my peers. I never stood out for anything specific, and I always considered myself a mediocre person.
Despite all these things, that prevented me from being who I really am, I always had the feeling that I was here in this world to do something unconventional. It is hard to explain, but I always had the feeling that I was living a life who belonged to someone else.
My insecurities, and the later divorce of my parents, made my life an emotional wreck. I felt I was going downhill without any breaks.
As time passed by, something inside me started to generate an imbalance. A strong dissatisfaction with myself, started to grow inside me. And once again, due to my fear of being different, and fearing what people might think about me, I ignored this energy that was growing inside me. Eventually this energy was liberated in the form of an explosion.
All the sudden, I found myself in a situation where I blamed the entire world for everything that was happening around me. There was a rage inside me, that I was incapable of liberating, and could not understand. Despite this, my cowardice made it impossible for me to take any action.
Fearing to listen to my inner voice, I started to place all my energy and focus on the material world. I believed then, earning money and growing professionally, might help me fit somewhere; therefore belong to something. This ambition, along with my need to fit somewhere, drove me for years, until I reached 2017, when I was 29 years of age.
My ambition and my false necessity to belong somewhere, led me to work as a consultant at a big consultancy firm. Previously, I had worked for 6 years in the telecommunications industry. I decided to make a change to business consulting, because I believed this would give me more prestige amongst society; and finally be able to fit somewhere. I was completely wrong… I had accomplished all those things that according to society would make me happy; however, I felt as if I had no purpose at all in life. I was so unhappy that life did not make any sense to me. I felt completely lost, and aimlessly wandering the world that surrounded me. It was at that time, when I first listened to my inner voice that clearly said “something is not right”
I remember how one early morning I was driving myself to work. Rain was pouring outside and I felt as if I was carrying a 100 kg bag with me. I was tired of my life and tired of the world. It was in that specific instant when that voice came back again, and clearly said “This cannot be it. There must be something else in life. Life must be about something else. Are you going to keep living a life that is not yours?
And in that instant, I took the biggest decision of my life. I needed to make a radical change. But, what change?